Gorgeous Gravity

Gorgeous Gravity

There’s something reassuring about falling.

Not at first maybe, I mean at first you’re looking for hand holds and finding none, panic ensues, your heart beats like hummingbird wings but watching this beating is not nearly so peaceful as watching hummingbirds. Beginning to fall, beginning to lose one’s grip, that is not the most reassuring feeling.

But hear me out, because there is something reassuring in the fall. There is a feeling when you’re looking for handholds and finding none, that you simply have to trust, and keep worshiping, and that is all. It feels complicated because we’re suddenly trying to invent handholds and create a formula for fighting gravity and those are not simple things. What’s simple is this; I am falling, I can only fall, and I know that God is with me in the plummet.

I don’t say, ‘I know that he will catch me’, only because I have this idea that perhaps I am not meant to be caught. Sometimes he catches us in our falling and it’s beautiful too. But sometimes I think the falling is directional, that he means for us to be falling because we’re meant to dive deep into the river that is at the bottom of our uncontrollable flailing. The river may be wondrous.

Control and I do not communicate well. I should learn how to dialogue with it better. As it has stood, I have not liked control. I do all that I can to avoid it. It seems however that at the moments people or situations seem to be trying to take this burden of control away from me, I become a little more defensive of my bent relationship with it. The truth is, it scares me to death that people have power. More so, it scares me to death that I have power. That I can make decisions and those decisions have a real life influence on the way this real life goes.

Jesus, who do you think I am that you just trust me with this? With power? With decisions? It’s like you think I know what I’m doing. Spoiler alert, I don’t.

I am good at responding to life, to what comes my way, I have learned to respond well. I am less fond of being the other part of that equation. I have been equipped with beautiful friends who have great wisdom and walk with me. That’s really good for decisions. Sometimes the Holy Spirit and the reasonable advice from people though, are different things. The Holy Spirit is far more reasonable than I am. The trusting comes in where the Holy Spirit is also a whole lot smarter and is much more familiar with all the power of God than I am, and so what the Holy Spirit deems reasonable by heavenly standards and knowing all that God can do, can feel intrinsically insane to the humans who are seeing human reason and only a little further. The Holy Spirit says ,“fall”.

“Brittany, fall.”

Wow. Whatttttttt a greeeaaaat word. Thanks Jesus. That’s um. That’s. No I don’t like it please explain.

I felt myself losing control. I looked around at all the little decisions I had to make and I did not know how to make any of them and the truth is I was not supposed to worry about them but the truth is also that I was worrying very much.

Something about me: I love details.

Something about me: I hate practical details.

I am. Not. A details person. I like the BIG PICTURE. In fact I’m pretty well crazy about it. I will give my all for it. Absolutely.

Unfortunately details make up the big picture. When I say I love details, I love…I don’t know, the emotional details. The character details. The important (to me) details. The big picture details. I love the flecks in people’s eyes and the way they hesitate when they’re trying to understand something. I love the feel of cold tile under pink toes. I love weird sounds people make when they think or hold back a laugh. The important details.

But life involves many more sorely boring details. I love the detail of life that some people are so good at the little details. I love the passion in their expressions as they talk about the little details (they are not actually always so little, to some politics is big and to me it is little- to some stories are little and to me they are big). I admire that so much. I don’t like that I am not good at them. I don’t like that I have to think about them in order to do things like stay alive and function as a human and help people. These little decisions and details help make the big picture I am so very fond of.

Usually I don’t think about the littles in as much as I can. Usually I am okay with that. But things started falling in my life- the family I was going to nanny got different working hours so they no longer needed a nanny, farewell job security it was nice while it lasted- and CBC my beautiful CBC was finished, and in short- there was a whole lot of uncertainty. A whole lot of falling.

I try to remember what CBC taught me about failing, because when I’m falling I feel like I’m failing even if that’s not the case. “Fail forward.” Says CBC. Failure isn’t always a bad thing.

Fail forward, and I will add my own- “Fall faithfully”.

Sometimes God takes the ground out from under us and we falllll, but falling is okay. It really really truthfully is. We get to fall faithfully. We get to deepen our trust as deep as the pit we’re falling down. We get to see all of our strengths and vulnerabilities– what is more tempting when we’re falling? What lies are our ears more susceptible to? At LifeSpring we’ve been talking about Daniel, and how if we are not firmly standing in faith in the easy times, it’s going to be a lot harder to stand in faith when it’s hard- when we’re falling.  Falling shows us what areas of life we need to strengthen. What habits could we take up so that next time we’re falling, we can do so confidently. “If you’re going to fall, do so fabulously”– to quote some meme from sometime.

God asked me to surrender control and fall. I kept asking him about the little details, and you know the crazy thing (crazy because I always thought I needed to focus on getting better at the details)? He kept telling me, focus on your strength. You’re a big picture person, use that. He said, other people are designed to love the little details, work with them, but focus on the big picture. That’s your strength.

I did not like this answer. Right away- I like it now just to be clear. But in the moment it felt utterly unhelpful. Hi. Jesus. That doesn’t tell me what to do with these details…I still have to make decisions here. He said, you’re asking the wrong questions. BIG PICTURE BIG PICTURE BIG PICTURE. You LOVE this big picture- you love that I hold everything and that all will be made right, you love to stop and WORSHIP through whatever fuss the world is in, whatever shambles your life is in- so focus on THAT.

“Fine. Then I’m just not going to worry about the little things.” I finally said. I just felt God laugh, “FINALLY YES THERE WE GO”.

The next day came a Word at church about how Paul and Silas didn’t get out of prison by looking for a key (little details, practical), but they WORSHIPPED and the prison was busted open! Worship through it. Fall worshipping. Stop looking to fight gravity and praise the God who invented it. He Will. He is faithful as we fall. We can be too.

So here we are- exhausted, discouragement flying at me from the enemy saying I need to get control of the little things or things are going to fall apart– and yet miraculously, over it all, feeling the grace of the Spirit just pouring over me and giving me this joy. Like a lot of it. Like laughter bubbling up and overflowing. Joy. My heart is so full, the Spirit within me is so happy, seeing that God is working in ways I have yet to understand. His ways are not my ways, His thoughts are higher.

And I just feel this relief. Today the last thing I felt slipping from my grasp finally slipped. And this should make me afraid. But it was so out of my control- and now I know for sure that it was out of my control all along. God opens doors. God closes doors. I am falling. I am happy to be falling. For God has taken away what he has for a purpose, and I am so thankful. The relieving thing about falling is that is proves we are not in control, and though we have power we are also under a heavenly reign; God guides us in how to use it. Falling is as much Jesus’ domain as solid rock. Falling is a place where trust grows.

I would be grateful for your prayers in this time! Thanks guys!